Fucking wankers!

Where have I been? Unmotivated, for the most part. Pay me or blow me & I promise to write more.

Let's see: This month I helped move an entire academic library collection & just spent 5 days snowed in cuz I couldn't get out of my goddamn driveway. I've got shitloads of vacation time, so no big deal. Oddly enough, I've spent more time outside than usual in the type of weather I hate the most, because my truck was stuck in the snow & I had to walk to the video store. Speaking of which, here's a few spot reviews:

Hero: One of the most visually stunning films I've seen, with good acting, writing, & action scenes, too. The director's use of color in the film is probably the main thing that makes this film so appealing to the eye, but the locations chosen for filming are also another highpoint. The director, Zhang Yimou (sp?) is best known for dramas, not action films (this was his first), so I was rather suprised to learn it was directed by the same guy that did Red Sorghum (though that film also makes good use of color).

The storyline reminded me somewhat of the technique used by Kurosawa in Rashamon. If you rent it, make sure you turn the subtitles off, as the voiceovers are fine, & the subtitles don't match the English dialogue anyway. I didn't watch it in Mandarin, though, so you'll probably want the subtitles on if you choose that option.

Best scenes:
Nameless & Falling Snow vs the archers
Duel between Falling Snow & Moon in the woods
Duel on the lake between Nameless & Broken Sword
The deaths of Falling Snow & Broken Sword


King Arthur: I'm glad I didn't see this in the theatre. In truth, this wasn't all that bad.

Things I enjoyed:
1. Cedric, the Saxon leader, was bad as fuck
2. Arthur punching the Roman noble in the cocksucker
3. The fate of the corrupt priests
4. Each of the "knights" had their own fighting style
5. Tristan was a stone cold killa
6. The Arthur-Lancelot-Guinevere love triangle was downplayed
7. It was more or less set in the right time period

Things that irked the shit outta me:
1. A work of fantasy masquerading as history
2. Cedric prevents his men from raping the British women due to fear of race-mixing
3. Stupid battle tactics used by the Saxons (specifically the "ice" scene)
4. The Picts are referred to as "woads"
5. The Saxon invasions never reached Hadrian's Wall
6. Some genius decided the Saxons should be armed with FUCKING CROSSBOWS!
7. Tried waaay too hard to be a 5th century Braveheart (I heard "freedom" so many times I thought I was gonna puke)
8. Who the fuck kept opening & closing the gates during the final battle?
9. This wasn't part of the movie, but in an interview on the DVD Kiera Knightly claims that the Celts were a matriarchial society (name one female druid or real-life chieftain, other than Boudicca, Kiera). She was probably told this by the same guy who thought Saxons used crossbows.
10. Merlin was underused

Those of you who think this was a great movie should watch Excalibur or The Mists of Avalon. Those of you who think this was a complete piece of crap should see First Knight or Camelot.


Renegade: No, this isn't that Lorenzo Lamas TV series from the 90's. This is a gritty western based on the Blueberry comics by Moebius. Having never read them, I can't comment on how accurately the film follows them, but other than that, it's a decent movie. Decent story, interesting characters, with great cinematography & good acting (Michael Madsen is the villian, which is always good). The hallucination scenes went on for a little too long, though.


Napoleon Dynamite: Didn't live up to the hype. Lots of boredom with a few funny moments. Rent this on dollar night if King Arthur isn't available.


Helen of Troy: This was a made-for-TV movie done by USA about a year ago. Don't rent this. The story is pretty lame, & doesn't follow Homer very accurately, but that's not the worst part. As proof that there is no god, I offer the fact that the people who cast this movie are still in business:

Helen (Sienna Guillory) isn't bad, but nowhere near hot enough to start a war over (there are hotter chicks than her locally).

Achilles looks like a pro wrestler (this guy shoulda played Ajax instead) & is a backstabbing choad.

Paris, though a pretty boy, has zero charisma & is a better fighter than a lover.

Hector, the second-best warrior of the Trojan War, is some skinny guy who would have trouble taking my bony-assed friend Lonnie. In fact, Paris, when he first comes to Troy, is able to defeat his older brother in the gladiatorial games.

Menelaus is a total weakling, with less charisma than the guy who played Paris & a bigger girly-man than the guy playing Hector.

The only character in the film that was properly cast was Agamemnon, & he's really the only good thing about this movie. There is no Patroclus, no Neoptomelus, no Nestor, no Diomedes, no Ajax, no Penthesilia, etc. And Odyessus, the most interesting hero in Greek myth, is way underused. Save your dollar for Napoleon Dynamite.


Jason & the Argonauts: I've seen both the 70's version & the made-for-TV version done by Hallmark a few years ago. Neither follow the myth closely.

The 70's version is definitely the best, but you have to be a fan of Ray Harryhausen to really get into it. This has possibly the best on-screen Hercules ever, and Talos & the skeletons rock! Plus, the DVD has an interview with Harryhausen!

The Hallmark version sucks (it's not really a re-make, just uses the same source material). Jason is played by a wimpy girly-man. Hercules (the best actor in the film, really) is sent by HERA (who hates him in the myths) to protect Jason, & the monsters they fight are pretty lame (and NO TALOS!). Don't even rent this on dollar night--spend that buck on a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon instead.


Vlad: Not your typical vampire flick, but still not that great. A bit confusing, with weak special effects, poor scripting, & lackluster acting. The only thing I really liked about this movie was that it showed more of the historical Vlad Tepes than any other movie about Dracula I've seen. Rent it on dollar night, or with your free rental credit.


Audition: Very fucked-up movie from Japan. Highly recommended.


S.I.C.K.: Interesting twist at the end, & decent plot, but the acting left a lot to be desired.


House of 1000 Corpses: Pretty decent flick. More fucked-up than scary, though. Instead of one villian, there's a whole family--overtones of the Bloody Benders or the Sawney Beane clan.


Ichi the Killer: Pretty good flick, in a B-film context, but not as violent & bloody as I was expecting. From Takashi Mike, who also directed Audition.


Serial killing 101: Not a great flick, but pretty decent. The best character is the gym coach, who was "raised in Alabama by a one-titted whore."


Bad Santa: Didn't really live up to the hype, though I did laugh my ass off when the midget got hit in the balls. I'm laughing just thinking about it.


House of the Dead: Not only did this flick suck monkey balls, but the chick with the really big guns kept them holstered for the entire film!!!!
posted by El Bastardo at 6:54 PM