Okay fucksticks, I'm back. I'm only posting the following because I'm really not interested in saying anything else right now.
Last night my friend Jenny and I were iming each other & it seems she has to come up with some kind of film plot involving archaeology for her anthropology class. Here are some excerpts from our conversation:

Aldit......: if you have any good ideas on a film plot involving archaeology and dont mind being plagarized, just let me know
Robbstrd : okay picture this
Aldit......: alright
Robbstrd: the young, beautiful archaeologist has just discovered a lost pharoh's tomb
Aldit. . . .: yes
Robbstrd : all the other workers have quit for the day, but she has just found what she thinks may be a secret entrance to the inner chamber
She returns to camp & tries to sleep but the thought of what lies within keeps nagging at her
finally, she grabs a lantern & heads off toward the tomb, alone
finding the secret entrance she decodes the hieroglyphs solving the riddle which allows her to open the passage to the inner chamber
within she finds wealth beyond imagining, artifacts that would put those in tut's tomb to shame
finally she eyes the sarcopagus
pushing with all her might she opens it
within she sees the mummy wearing a bejeweled golden death mask--a treasure like none ever seen
she lifts off the mask & gasps at what she sees
the mummy's face is unwrapped & perfectly preserved
so well preserved, it looks like it died yesterday!
& the face of the pharoh is one of the most striking she's ever seen
suddenly the eyes flicker open
she gasps in astonishment as the mummy comes to life & rises
she backs up to the wall as it climbs out
unable to move from a combination of shock & fascination she trembles as the long dead pharoah approaches her, moving with catlike grace
she takes notice of his lean powerful form& suddenly realizes that she's trembling not out of fear, but excitement
the pharaoh reaches out, & grabs her by the shirt, ripping it as he pulls her toward him
she realizes that she's been on this dig for 6 months
consumed by her work, she realizes that it's been nearly a year since she'd last known a man's touch
she then looks at the handsome pharoah in a mixture of fear and anticipation
realizing that he's been locked in this tomb for centuries, & that the last time he knew a woman's touch has likely been over 3000 years
she screams as he savagely rips her shirt away from her body, exposing her soft alabaster skin
her loins tingle as the pharoah, once worshipped as a god by his subjects, feasts his eyes upon her soft pert breasts
realizing that she is likely the first woman to make love to a god in 3 millenia, she does not resist but submits willingly
an electric sensation travels up her spine as his stong calloused hands explore her body
she gasps as he tears her pants away, standing before him naked
her heart pounding so hard, she can almost hear it echoing in the chamber
she reaches up with a trembling hand running it across his strong muscular chest
the pharoah's wrappings quickly fall away, and he nowstands naked before her, an ancient god of the Nile delta thought long dead, now mysteriously returned to life
Robbstrd:
Aldit. . . .: yes i am listening i didnt want to interrupt
Aldit. . . .: its really, really good
Robbstrd : coool
Aldit. . . : *yes* this is v. cool
Robbstrd : slowly the pharoah turns from her & places the lib back on the sarcophaus
turning back he extends his hand
she takes it as he pull her to him
lifts her and places her on the sarcophagus
she quivers as he brushes her cheek with his hand & cradles her head as he leans in
her heart pounds as thier lips touch
he pulls her lithe naked body close to his as she gives in to her passion
kissing deeply she tastes the sweet scented breath of an ancient god
his hands slowly following the soft curves of her body
she runs her hands across his chest and around to his back
gripping his shoulders as he kisses her neck sending waves of pleasure through her body
kneading her breasts in his hands
he flicks his tongue across her hardened nipples as she gasps in ecstacy

Basicially I got bored here & quit writing. I was gonna have it end w/ the archeologist waking up in her tent thinking the whole experience was a dream or some shit. Jenny told me today she's adding a villian, either a mad scientist or a fundamentalist reverend. I think she's going with my suggestion to combine the two & have the villian be a mad scientologist. She wants to call it The Pyramids of Love, but I thought Curse of the Mummy's Schlong was a much catchier title.

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 2:40 AM

Reactions to the Inferno:
Well, last night I saw Lucero at the Rudyard Kipling. Unfortunately, the battery on my truck was spent, so I borrowed my grandpa's truck & made my way over there. I see several people I know there: Ern, Chris, DB, Missy, Ronnie, Skillet, Sean Cobble, Sarah, & a bunch of fucks from the Mag. At one point in the evening Ern, taking stock of the crowd, commented that "We're the most white trash motherfuckers here, and I'm kinda proud of that." DB, as usual, was quite intoxicated. At one point Ern & DB commented that they had to watch was they said, cuz I'm a "human tape-recorder" & whatever they said was likely to end up on the net. How right they are. :D Missy seemed somewhat perturbed that I posted about her & DB's little fight (last weekend's post), & also asked if I mentioned if she was a lesbian (she's yet to see my blog, but she's heard about it). I told her yeah, but it's not like I put anyone's last names or where they live, plus it's not like she's even in the closet to begin with.

The Choad/Taint Controversy:
Meanwhile, Chris & I start talking about good offensive names for bands (Back Alley Abortion, the Kiddie Fuckers, Date Rape, etc), & were soon joined by Ronnie, Ern, DB, & Skillet, & the conversation quickly devolved into similarly tasteless jokes. Missy chastises us for such offensiveness, & then promptly recounts a tale of how Skillet recently took a crap in someone's yard & she took a picture of Skillet squatting. I commented on the irony that someone who takes pics of people shitting has little room commenting on the offensive behavior of others, but I don't think she saw my point. This story quickly turned into a conversation about what the proper name for the spot between anus & genitals is called. This stemmed from Missy's shit story; seems that Skillet got stuck mid-turd & was in a quandry, when our other friend Leigh-Anna (who was elsewhere that night) told her to "push on her choad" because she works in a nursing home & this seems to be a technique used to get old people to shit. Chris, DB, & I were under the impression that such a place was called the "taint" (as in "t'ain't asshole & t'ain't balls/pussy). Missy & Skillet claimed that it was in reality considered choad, while Ern seems undecided, until I mention that I've never heard a doctor say "choad," & that the region probably has a proper scientific name which none of us know. Actually, I just looked it up: it's called the bulbospongiosus. Choad, as far as I know, is essentially another word for dick, though a websearch brought up both definitions. However, there is no such confusion with taint--therefore, I now proclaim "taint" as the proper vernacular term for bulbospongiosus. I just asked Shaun & Nugget & they've provided me with an alternate term: "gooch" (which was, oddly enough, the name of the bully who was always beating up Gary Coleman on Diff'rent Strokes).

Drunken Shenanigans & the Band Finally Plays:
So there we are sitting outside in the Rud's courtyard. Now all the tables are stone & have a small hole in the center less than 2" in diameter. DB & Ern decide that it'd be a good idea to place a beer bottle upside down in this depression & start hitting it with their fists. Now, I'm no psychic, but somehow I had this strange feeling that nothing good could come of this, so I quickly turned my head away from this disaster-in-the-making, in case any glass came flying my way. Missy & Chris seem to agree with me, as they chastise Ern & DB to no avail. Well, less than a minute goes by when I hear the familiar sound of shattering glass. Then Skillet starts cussing DB (yep, he was the one who broke it--no surprise there), because a small piece of glass had flew into her face, leaving a very tiny wound, unnoticable in the dark. Things get better when DB tries to discard the evidence by tossing the remains of the bottle over the fence--only he fails to get it over the fence & it smashes on the concrete beside him.

Next, I notice a large pair of pink granny-panties hanging from the tree. It seems that Skillet, who'd been complaining all night about how her oversized unmentionables were annoying her, apparantly cut them off with a knife & threw them in the tree. We had earlier told her to save them for the band, but apparantly she thought the tree would be more receptive. At some point in the night Skillet adds to the fun by vomiting on the ground. DB suggested she puke in the empty pitcher instead & take it back to the bar, but she declined.

Well, before long, Lucero takes the stage & puts on one helluva show. This was the second time I'd seen them &, like last time, it got fairly rowdy (for a band often pigeonholed as alt.country, though I'm not sure I'd agree 100% with that analysis). Beer was being slung everywhere & certain people bordered on moshing, But it was still pretty fun.

The Mag, the Bastard Performs, & Forest & Mike D's Live Sex Show:
Afterword, Chris, Ronnie, & I go to the Mag & engage in some boozing. I also shoot some pool with these guys named Eric, Ben, & Chris (a different one) & this cute chick named Laura. The Mag closes & I take Ronnie & Chris back to Chris's (& Mike D's, Ern's, Shaun's, & Nugget's) place. There we hang with the aforementioned characters (except Ern, who was MIA), as well as Steveo, Kief, Troy, David, Forest, Ben (a different Ben) & Leslie. I break out Nugget's guitar & play several of my songs for everyone, as well as favorites by Mojo Nixon, Ween, the Gourds, & Paul Thorn. Fun was had by all & much hilarity ensued, especially when Forest did his imitation of the Unknown Comic, followed by a bout of wrestling & dry-humping with Mike D. It's close to 5:00 am by now, so I drop Ronnie off & go home.

Burn in Hell


posted by El Bastardo at 9:47 PM