Not much to say today, so i guess I'll post another Bastard story. This one used to be on the web, but I took it off a long time ago for space reasons. It's from #2 (1997), the "Religious Vomit" issue, & concerns an encounter with a pair of cultists.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

a tale of the Bastard

About 4 years ago I took a trip to Orlando, FL to see some friends from college. We get there, & me & my friend, Dean walk across the street to get some beer at this big-ass grocery store. We’re walking thru the parking lot, & I notice these two hot chicks (they looked to be about 16 to 19 years old) sticking flyers all over the cars. One of ‘em sees me & Dean walking up (we’re both fairly good-looking guys, I suppose) & points us out to her friend. They both walk up & hand us flyers with a picture of a horde of small, nude bodies flying up into heaven towards the outstretched arms of a huge, smiling, Christlike figure. They say something like “Hi. We’re from the Family & we were wondering if you had any money you could donate.” My friend tells them he doesn’t have any extra money & I, with my dislike of beggars in general & beggars for religion in particular, go into “rude mode” & say something like “No, I can’t give cuz I’m Jewish.” We keep ignoring their pleas & get our beer. They’re nowhere to be seen when we exit the store. But I couldn’t help but think that this “Family” sounded vaguely familiar - I just couldn’t put my finger on it, tho’. A week later, when I’m unfortunately back home in Indiana, I remember where I’d heard of the “Family” before: I quickly dig thru my back issues of Hustler & pull out an issue from 1980.* There it is: “The Family” is short for “Family of Love”, a bizarre Xtian cult which believes in using sex as a conversion tool (they privately refer to themselves as “Hookers for Jesus” - some examples of their literature are reprinted below**). Damn. I coulda kicked myself for not remembering sooner. I could’ve most likely gotten both of those chicks to proselytize upon me (Dean had a girlfriend)! They might’ve made me give a donation, though (this practice hearkens back to the good ol’ days of temple prostitution). Or worse yet, I might’ve gotten an STD (The FOL believe that venereal disease is an occupational hazard & God’s way of punishing them for engaging in this “Flirty Fishing”, & thus many of them have the dreaded “crotch-rot”). So I guess it’s better that I didn’t let them minister to me. But there’s still a part of me that wants kick myself.

*Keep in mind that this information was from 1980 and much of it is outdated now. Supposedly they no longer use sex as a conversion tool ("flirty fishing," or "FFing"), & their founder died in 1994. More info can be found here.
**Well, you could have seen it in the zine--some neat little tract drawings that I photocopied from that old Hustler. Unfortunately, I couldn't find them on the web. I could've swore they were once on the Family's official website somewhere, but it seems they removed their more controversial tracts. I was able to locate a different one on this German website, and there's an ex-Family website that has a few tracts not found on the official site.

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 12:16 AM