THE BASTARD'S INFERNO

Yet More letters from the unreleased Bastard #6:

Infernal Hails!
Greetings Rob, this is Tim Croft.
A little while back, I received the latest Bastard. A few things have changed with me, so I wanted to give you an update. First, I no longer associate or affiliate myself with any neo-Nazi, white power, or racist/ialist movements or philosophies. At the time I wrote that letter printed in the latest Bastard, I was deeply into the intellectual elitist philosophy and weltanshuang of National Socialism. This is still a bit interesting to me, but I have departed from this for a few reasons, of which the basis is the world is full of fucking morons. One, I am not, nor ever really was a racist (whatever that is). Two, the modern NS movement is full of and attracts stupid idiots who don’t even understand NS, and I was (and am) totally disgusted with its ties to the pathetic farce of Christianity, and the moron club - the KKK. I no longer even wish to discuss this topic. Bringing back a NS regime is as realistic as bringing back the Pharaoh era of ancient Egypt. This is a different time, and man is a different creature, and such thoughts are at best pipe dreams. My personal energies will no longer be wasted on such impossibilities. I am currently realizing myself as a Satanist, though this is another word that most people have no clue as to its meaning, which can vary from individual to individual. My personal brand I label as Diabolical Mysticism. In short, I seek to live an unsuppressed existence, with no gods, no masters. I am also currently in an intimate relationship with a black woman, so I do as I wish, with no regards to social acceptance, though I feel as if I have always been like this. A current project I have been doing is Black-Metal. I am working on a demo tape. My project is called Infernity, and as of this writing, the songs will be “Legion of Hell,” “Evil Reign” (both are complete) and “Goatlust” and “Pentagram Evocation” in the works. I have created a webpage for this, too: http://homepages.infoseek.com/~infernity/P1.html
(Rob, I’ll give you a copy of my tape if interested). This is the Aeon of Satan, past mass philosophies are enslaving. As the masses are idiots, now is the age of individualism. I have studied and participated in many things, to come to this conclusion. I wish you and Bastard well, please put this letter in the next issues for those who may give a fuck.
Ave Satanas!
-TIM CROFT
Yamaraja@webtv.net

Good to hear you’ve traded in your swastika for a pentagram, Tim! This is rather sad, in a way, as I’ll have to get someone else to fill the white power slot.
Satanism, of the type espoused by Anton LaVey, is probably the religion I would be most likely to convert to, if I gave a flying fuck about religion in the first place. The biggest problem with Satanism as a religion, however, is that few people have done any research. Most dumbfucks either watch too many horror films or televangelical programs, or assume that people like Richard Ramirez and David Berkowitz are representative of all Satanists. Why doesn’t everyone assume that Jim Jones and David Koresh are representative of all Christians? The truth of the matter is that Satanism resembles a Darwinist atheism with really cool props more than anything else. Anyone who disagrees with me has probably never read Lavey’s Satanic Bible, for fear that it’ll “corrupt their souls” or some other such superstitious nonsense.
My only beef with Satanism is LaVey’s excuse for paying tribute to Satan in the first place when atheism can satisfy all of Satanism’s philosophical requirements: he speaks of man’s “need” for ritual, which sounds like one of the biggest loads of shit used to sell religious books and paraphernalia I’ve ever heard! Apparently it worked, as I understand LaVey died quite wealthy.

Hey Rob,
While reading your zine I am continually amazed at your willingness to debate undebatable issues with retards... it takes the life outta me just reading some of the shit. Andy of basement Children should be dragged up & down I-80 behind a station wagon driven by Tura Satana!
-SEAN BEAUDOIN
SAN FRANCISCO, CA

Well then, Sean check out the next letter for more retarded fun! (BTW, Sean publishes a bizarre piece of literature called Zapruder Headsnap, reviewed in this issue.)

Rob,
Theo from Tree of Knowledge here. Just writing to decline your request that we carry Bastard #5. Violence against homosexuals (“Fun in the Jerk Booth”) is about as funny as a whole in the head. You’re an asshole for printing it as humor. Save yourself a stamp next time. Fuck you!
-THEO WITSEL
LITTLE ROCK, AR

Great! Another addition to the Bastard’s Parade of Idiots! What’s Theo’s referring to, gentle reader, is Fred’s tale last issue of being propositioned in the local porn shop by some moron who stuck his dick through a hole in the jerk booth wall. Fred responded to this invasion of privacy by stomping on the motherfucker’s cock! Now if “Fun in the Jerk Booth” was about a woman stomping on a guy’s prick, I bet you woulda hailed that as a woman defending herself from a sexual predator, Theo! Now why are you so upset by a man doing the same? My guess is this is an activity you normally engage in, and fear the day someone will stomp the shit out’ve your dick! My advice to you: stop sticking your pecker through holes in the wall, boy!

Dear Rob Bastard:
I received issue #5 of Bastard, and contrary to straights thinking that this queer would not like it... I say it’s a piece of shit that should be highly complemented. Shit meaning: the merging of all that there is of sexual lifestyles, & then some more, like in [“Got Milk?”], where a guy is shooting a load into a father’s milk container soon after putting the bone to the old man’s 14 year old daughter. Being “highly complemented” meaning: it’s professionally printed per being a zine (more like a mini-newspaper), well circumcised, ah, I mean sectionalized of its content & where your stuff is placed in Bastard As for freedom of press & speech, Bastard is NOT as bad as the little leaflets that the neo-Nazis give out to enlist hate members, the printed material given out here at Ellicott City by the KKK, or that of Z-Files zine that promotes sex with animals. Sexual preference can be shouted from the rooftops, even by those who dislike it & those who practice it, no matter what ‘it’ is. We’re all entitled to have our say... & I’d say Bastard is a place one can say it... then go on to their own fucking/ sucking to do it. Yes, I’m a queer prehistoric pagan spiritualist, you’re a straight atheist, & your readers come from a wide assortment of lifestyles & religions. So the diversity of your zine, though you suggest it to be straight, is seen by me to personally suggest that it’s a ‘people’s fuck/ suck zine.’ Keep up the great work, you good hearted Bastard!! That’s what i think about your publication, & of your readers, no matter who & what they are. I love you all, though many would not like me sucking off their hubby’s or son’s cock. Peace brother.
-JOHN KURLUK
BALTIMORE, MD

Gee, John. What a note to end on! Thanks for all the praise, but your “good-hearted” comment kinda makes me uneasy. For those who are unaware, John (AKA the Russian Gypsy) publishes Kurluk Newsletter, a spiritual/ prehistoric/ pagan zine. It’s reviewed this issue, so check it out, scumflakes!

Bastard-
The Wanker Twins kick ass; don’t let any of the pussies who write in with their squeamish whining sway you.
-JOHN SIERACKI
MILWAUKEE, WI

The only pussies I’ve ever let sway me, John, are the kind found between a firm pair of thighs!

Hey Bastard,
Here’s the latest in the world of Master Heathen:
-I’ve changed jobs. Found I’m allergic to ragweed.
-Got a ticket for speeding ($72 fine).
-Went to a party that paid tribute to the blessed groundhog, in which participants sang, got fried, and committed unnatural acts (not with the groundhogs, though).
-Had a tragicomic experience with Staples (the office supply store). It went something like this...
Bear in mind, I’ve been making copies in this place the last three issues with no problems. I usually have this 60 year old woman make my copies for me. This time though, a thirty-something year old woman “does the honors.” She’s the only one available. After making a bunch of copies of the first four pages of [Psycho Carnival] #10, she casually walks over to me and says “I don’t have to do anything smutty.” At first, I thought, “I don’t remember asking her to ‘shine my helmet.’” Then I realized she meant the zine. Offended by her offended behavior, I said, “Fine. I don’t have to do business with this place anymore.” I then paid for what copies she’d made, left, and went to Office Max, where they cheerfully did the rest of the zine and treated me with respect. What’s also odd about this episode is that this issue is nearly 90% written material. Oh well, Staples won’t be making big bucks off me anymore. Screw ‘em!
-KELLY GREGORY
406 PARK PLACE CT
LAWRENCEBURG, IN 47025

My advice to you, my friend: Stop smoking ragweed; Fight yer ticket (see Bastard #4); Commit as many unnatural acts as possible; and Get revenge on those fuckers at Staples. Buy a can of sardines, smuggle it into the store, open the can, and strategically hide the dead little fuckers in various locations in the store. Then sneak into their bathroom and jerk off on the toilet seat. That’ll show ‘em to mess wit da Heathen!

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 7:10 PM