Okay, I'm back once more--like you fuckheads missed me in the first place!

Most of the past two weeks have been spent dealing with work, school, & saving up $$$$. Last night I went to ConGlomeration--this gaming convention in Louisville that used to be called RiverCon. I've never actually gamed at any of these conventions--mostly just hanging out with friends who rented rooms & drinking. I didn't bother buying a badge cuz I'd only be there Saturday evening, since I had to work the next day.

This was the first con I'd been to in several years, & it was rather lame. The lameness was mostly due to the venue, as everything was so spread out--no real central point for people to gather, activity areas far removed from the rooms, etc. Plus I heard they actually screwed up the flyer this year, not giving the precise location of the event (the Hurstbourne Hotel, but they didn't specify which one until shortly before the con began). When Rivercon was at the Hyatt Regency, it fucking rocked. I went all three years (90-92) it was held there, & had a good time each year. In fact, here's a little story which first appeared in Bastard #5:

THE SOCK INCIDENT & OTHER TALES
a tale of the Bastard
There’s this yearly gaming convention in Louisville that we used to go to called Rivercon. Boyd’s mom had connections & she would always score us a room at the Hyatt Regency, where the convention was held. We never did any gaming to speak of, we just partied in our room & laughed at all the fat science fiction reading motherfuckers that such cons tend to attract. My first year, I was living in Florida, & Boyd flew me up for the weekend (his mom also had the hookup on airline tickets). My younger brother, Patrick, who was 14 at the time, attended as well. As luck would have it, he was the only one who scored that weekend. We called the girl “Horse,” because our friend Shannon told my brother at one point “Fuck you & the horse you rode in on.” The following year, most of us did get laid: at one point, Patrick, myself, & our friend Rin were each screwing a different chick, all at the same time, while Boyd & his girlfriend made out in a corner. I was almost tempted to yell out “Rotate!”, but I thought better of it, as I really had no desire to participate in a full-blown orgy with two of my best friends & my little brother present. The next year, however, would prove to be the setting of our most bizarre sexcapades.

We had checked in Friday night, & the next morning Boyd & Ed had ordered a big tray of meat, cheese, & crackers from room service. The centerpiece of this tray was half of a hollowed-out orange rind filled with some kind of creamy, tasty dip. Well, there were still plenty of crackers & dip left when we had finished, so we decide to run around the convention for a while, leaving Boyd in the room, as he was waiting for his girlfriend to arrive. Ed & I return about two hours later. Boyd’s girlfriend is leaving just as we walk in. We sit down at the table with the food tray, while Boyd, his back to us, makes his bed. As we’re talking with Boyd, Ed grabs the orange rind & starts dipping crackers. He’s really going to town on the stuff. I think to myself, “Gee, that looks good.” & consider joining Ed, but he’s got such a firm grip on that orange, I really don’t want to break his stride. So I decide to let him finish it off. At that moment, Boyd turns around & sees our friend’s antics. “Ed! Don’t...” he warns, stopping himself as he spies the empty rind. Ed gets the blackest look upon his face. “Don’t what?” he growls. “Uh, nothing.” Boyd replies. But Ed is adamant. Eventually Ed learns, much to his dismay, that Boyd, rather than politely depositing his seed in a proper receptacle, saw fit to use the dip. Instead of killing our friend, Ed merely goes into a state of denial, convinced that Boyd is lying. I don’t know either way - I’m just happy I didn’t eat any of that dip!

But wait! There’s more! Later that night, I ran into Horse again. Patrick wasn’t able to attend this year, so she looked to me to fill the void. Far be it from me to deny a damsel in distress, so I did the chivalrous thing & comforted her. After an excellent round of intense sex, we hear a knock on the door. She starts getting dressed while I, feeling like my pecker’s four times bigger than normal because I’m intoxicated with the fact that I just got laid, answer the door butt-naked. It’s Boyd & Paul. Boyd tells me to put some clothes on, while Paul suggests that I put a sock on my cock like the Red Hot Chili Peppers & walk around the con. Sounds good to me. Horse decides to don a G-string & some pasties & join me. We both take precautions by wearing long trench coats in case the law decides to show. We wander around like this for about an hour, throwing the sock on the handrail while riding the escalator, walking into the hospitality suite & getting food (I have a convention badge pinned to the sock, of course), swinging the sock around while my friend snaps a photo, & just meeting new people. We later return & have sex in the bathroom before getting dressed again. I would hear nearly a week later that hotel security was still looking for me the next day, long after I’d left. For some strange reason, that was the last year Rivercon was held at the Hyatt. Consequently, that was also my last memorable year there.


Well, this year was nothing like those glory days. For the most part, Conglomeration sucked balls this year. My friend Shaun got a room this year, so I met up with him & some of his friends & we wandered the hotel for awhile, going from room to room. In this one room there was something called the "hobbit party," which I suppose was named so because the host looked a lot like Pippin from the Lord of the Rings film, only he had greying hair & was very effeminate (my first impression was that he was a gay hobbit). Well, those of you who have been to cons know that cons are not the most ideal places for hooking up. Not only is the male:female ratio about 10:1, but the male to hot chick ratio is about 100:1--slim pickings indeed. Fortunately, there was this very hot chick at the hobbit party named Daphne--slim, dressed in black, wearing nymphomaniac librarian glasses, and with a slight resemblance to my #1 girl, Jennifer Love Hewitt, she was definitely the cream of the crop. Well, I start talking to her & things seem to be going quite well--there's another guy talking to her, but he doesn't seem to have much game (then again, I AM at a fucking con--competition's obviously gonna be weak). Well, Daphne ends up bursting my bubble when she tells me she's there with her boyfriend--who, of all people, happens to be the little hobbit guy! Guess he wasn't gay after all. This, gentle readers, is absolute proof that either: A) there is no god; or B) if there is, he obviously hates me. Not to say that Daphne seemed 100% content with sweet hobbity love, as I eventually talked her and this other girl into going into the bathroom & showing me their boobs. They were nowhere near the caliber of Jennifer Love's, but nice & perky nonetheless. Figuring that was all I was gonna get, and since it was about 3:00 am & I had to work the next day, I got out of there, bid Shaun a fond farewell, & headed home.

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 3:57 PM