Last night I went to the gayest party ever.

But before I get into that, I'll tell you about the high points of the last two weeks.

Those of you who keep up with this thing may remember the speeding ticket I beat back in April (see April 4th's post for details). Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter in the mail saying that a new trial date (in October) had been set for the case! Needless to say, I was one pissed-off motherfucker! So I head down to the Floyd County Clerk's office to see what the fuck is up with this shit. They tell me everything looks legit, so I should go to the County Judge's office & talk to the them. I go upstairs & they tell me the same shit, & that perhaps I should talk to the judge after he gets done with court. So I go into the courtroom, & they're holding hearing for about six prisoners (to enter pleas, set bond, etc). I see the prosecuter is the same one who was in the courtroom when I went back in April (Abe Navarro was his name). Well, after Judge Hublar finishes, I go up & explain everything to him. I should mention that a different judge, Judge Lopp (from Crawford County) presided over my case in April, aparantly subbing for Hublar. Well anyway, Hublar has always seemed like a pretty fair judge (unfortunately he's retiring), & he seems sympathetic to my case. I tell him Navarro was there as well. The judge has someone pull the docket & has me wait in the courtroom until he returns. He says it looks like Navarro's handwriting & that for some reason they decided to reschedule the trial, even though Judge Lopp told my & about 5 others that he dismissed our cases! So the judge suggests I talk to Navarro & see if he remembered that day. So I head down to the prosector's office to talk to Abe. Unfortunately, he's getting ready to leave so he tells his secretary to have me call him at 8:30 am the next day.

So the next day I get up early for this shit to go down & hope Navarro remembers me. Fortunately, in this case, there are a few things that make me stick out from the masses--my hair is pretty long, I have tattoos, & I'm clean & well-spoken. So I take the letter rescheduling the trial, as well as the copy of my 10-year perfect driving record that Navarro gave me back in April (it's even dated the same day). I even wear the same shirt I wore that day. Despite all this, I figure I'm gonna have to fight tooth & nail--the system hates to admit to its mistakes. I figured i'd probably have to utilize the Freedom of Information Act to supeona the court records from April, & call the other defendants (& possibly even Judge Lopp) as witnesses). Nonetheless, I present myself very politely, as being rude isn't likely to be of much help. So I go down to the prosecutor's office & present my case to Navarro. I show him my driving record & he starts to offer me diversion--I quickly tell him that no, Judge Lopp dismissed the case back in April. That seems to jog his memory. "Oh, I remember you now. Judge Lopp came out & said 'It's your lucky day' & dismissed the case." Abe attributed the error to the Judge not writing "dismissed" on the docket & giving it to a clerk who assumed that a new trial date should be set. Navarro told me to follow him to the County Clerk's office & he'd take care of it. I was amazed that he was so genial--I seriously expected this to be quite an ordeal. Anyway, I thanked the prosecutor & made sure I got a copy of the dismissal this time, in case some shit like this happens again.

Well, last weekend I went out to the Mag, where I ran into Ronnie, Missy, Chris, & Urn. We all decide to go to this free punk show at the Rudyard Kipling. Three or four bands were playing. I meet this cute girl there named Charlie who seems rather obsessive about my "Freak Patrol" t-shirt, which says "Offer Me Head" on the back. Freak Patrol was conceived by this weird guy I know named Jeremy as sort of a dysfunctional secret-agent superhero team (Agent Foodstamp, Agent Jailbait, Agent Squishypants, etc) which took orders from a perverted stuffed monkey. There were plans for an independent film in which I would provide the voice of the monkey, but plans fell through. Anyway, we only saw two bands, one of which was the Dead City Rejects, who I thought were pretty good. There was also a guy there who looked like a young Benny Hill in a zebra-stripped shirt, but I didn't see him play anything. Oh, yeah--the whole pretense behind this thing was that it was this guy named Puke's 29th bithday celebration (oh yeah--almost forgot--my birthday was that same weekend). I'd met Puke once, about a year or two ago through my friend Che, & he seemed pretty cool.

Anyway, we leave after the Dead City Rejects play & return to the Mag Bar. About half an hour later, Charlie shows up, talks to me for a bit, then goes back up front. Urn seems to think she's interested than more than my shirt, but it's hard to say at this point--I tend to expect the worst, so I won't be disappointed. I see Puke there a bit later & talk to him & his wife (Mrs Puke?) for awhile. Later I talk to Charlie again & she invites me to a costume party at her house at the end of the month & gives me her address & number. I tell her I'll see what I can do about getting her a Freak Patrol shirt, even though I haven't talked to Jeremy in months (& I understand he's since shacked up with some girl who came over here from Eastern Europe).

Well, this past Friday I went back to the Mag, as I didn't have to work Saturday morning. Chris & Missy are there, & we kill about an hour shooting pool before Steve-O & Skillet arrive. Charlie shows up with her roommate, Seed, this chick named Lady, two guys named Mike & Mitch, & possibly some other people who I don't remember. They're passing out flyers for Mike & Mitch's band, & for Seed & Charlie's costume party. They hang out for about 15 minutes & then prepare to leave as I walk up to the bar to grab another beer. Charlie runs back in & invites me to go with them to some party (some guy named Adam's house--it was his birthday) they're going to on 4th Street. We walk over to this party & there's quite a few people I know there: Eric & Laura, who I'd shot pool with months before at the Mag, Leigh-Anna, & some guy from IUS named Steve. Steve invites me to a party at his house on 1st Street the next night. Most of the rest of the night is spent drinking, conversating, & watching girls make out with each other.

So last night I see Missy, Chris, & Mike D at the Mag. Chris & Missy go to this bar I've never been to called Woody's (I think it's owned by the same guy who owns the Mag), & me & Mike D walk to Steve's. I'd seen Shaun earlier that day & he told me Nugget might be there--sure enough, he was, along with Forest, who I've dubbed "Forester" so as not to confuse him with the other Forest, AKA "Foristo." A lot of people from last night's party are there, & we shoot the shit--a number of these people are also from across the river, & I run into a few I know (or knew me), including Newt, Victoria, & Carrie. I also spend some time talking to this guy named John from Paducah & this chick named Alexandria wielding a baseball bat & wearing a David Frizzel shirt she picked up at a thrift store. This party has fewer women but more beer, so it's all good. Me & Mike D leave after awhile & return to the Mag, where we see Ronnie, who has brought his sisters along. Mike D soon goes back to the party & me & Ronnie wait until about 3:30 to head back. Unfortunately, it's mostly died down, though about 10-15 people are still there.

Now believe it or not, this party isn't the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Two doors down, we see this big inflated tent in someone's backyard, the kind that people jump around in, & heard a bunch of commotion, so everyone at Steve's decides to head over. We get there & are invited in. The house is huge, clean, & impressively decorated. The backyard is very nice too, nice lawn furniture & landscaping. It seems the bouncy tent was rented because it was someone's 40th birthday (they'd already left) Unfortunately, there's maybe 2 women at this party, neither of who was my type. The other attendees are all guys. Well-dressed, well-groomed guys who are all better looking than any of us from Steve's. That's right, boys & girls, we suddenly found ourselves in the midst of a gay party! Actually, no one hit on us or anything (probably they could tell we were straight by our lack of fashion sense) & most people were really cool. In a very surreal moment, I turned around & saw my German teacher. He seemed a bit surprised to see me there, but I think we were both amused at the situation. Me & Ronnie spent most of the time drinking beer & talking to this guy named Chad, who pointed out this one guy with longish blonde hair who was one of the more flamboyant attendees. Chad asked if we'd ever seen this show called "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"--some show where a bunch of gay guys give a straight guy a sense of fashion aesthetics or some shit. We hadn't seen it, but were familiar with clips we'd seen on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Turns out the flaming blonde guy was Carson Kressley, one of the makeover artists on the show, which we would have never realized had Chad not said something. I think at one point in the night he'd told either Ronnie or Steve something to the effect of him not being beyond hope, all he needed was a makeover. Well, after a couple of beers, me & Ronnie decided to return to New Albany, & bid our new gay friends adieu. The gay party was a pretty interesting experience, though it could have used more estrogen.

In other news, Fall semester starts tomorrow & my truck needs new brakes.

Burn in Hell


posted by El Bastardo at 9:06 PM