Today?s news:

Dining

You?ll have it MY way or no way at all!
"You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat. Pull ahead," Officer Gerry Scherlink said is an example of what the hackers are telling customers at the drive-through speaker.

Candidates for Sterilization

Woman abandons claim to $162m win
Ms Battle has a criminal record that includes assault on a drug store clerk and misuse of another person's credit card. "I'm not a bad person. I'm really not," she said. "Everyone has a past."

Religion
Vicar gives out porn videos
"God moves in mysterious ways, and best of all, the people who ordered the porn now have our religious films about Jesus in their video recorders."


Girl-on-Girl Action

Girls expelled for charging boys to watch them kiss
School seems a lot cooler now than when I was a kid.

Nuns/Ninjas/

Nun earns karate black belt
Kicking ass for Jesus

A Viking We Will Go!

Archaeologists mistake 1940s patio for Viking village
Even the discovery of a Second World War gas mask on the plot failed to deter them from their theory that this was the first evidence ever seen of Viking homes built on mainland Scotland, reports the Daily Mail.

Viking ship made out of lollipop sticks to cross Atlantic?
Lo, there do I see the Lollipop Guild


Education
Cadaver arm prompts fainting spell in school
A parent brought a human cadaver arm to an elementary school and opened it up during a discussion about surgery, causing a fifth grader to faint.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

GOP representative would ban dirty words from TV
The list includes one word, a -- h -- , twice, as one word, and in its compound form to leave no doubt Ose wants it banned.

Welcome to America. Please give us the finger. Smile for the camera. Now get the hell out
And out pops the skimpy latex thong and the anal beads and the Astroglide and the smallish travel dildo that isn't really a dildo at all but is really a "sexual-education device," because, as everyone knows, dildos are completely illegal in Texas. But not guns. Guns are mandatory.

Crimewatch

Man in drag leads police on bizarre chase
Note to criminals: The worst, absolutely worst, place to flee from police officers is to police headquarters at shift change while dressed in drag.

Vampire bank robber fails to make impression
He should've tried the blood bank.


Entertainment

Turkey 'genocide' film is dropped
. . . the Turkish Government says it was a civil war and a military reaction to Armenian insurrection as rebels sided with invading Russian troops.


Booze

Brewery says it's developed 'anti-aging' beer
Drink to your health, friends!

Drinking Like a Fish
Three Polish divers face a police probe for possible illegal fishing and abuse of animals after a newspaper photo showed them plying a freshly caught pike with champagne at an outdoor New Year's party.
posted by El Bastardo at 3:22 PM

Because I have nothing else I wish to share with the undeserving masses.

Today’s top news stories

World

Newest Iraqi graduate...Saddam Hussein
“A beaming Saddam Hussein was among 100 graduates who joined the ranks Wednesday of the U.S.-trained Iraqi Civil Defence Corps.”

Dumbasses

Boy Gets Stuck in Animal Game Machine
“A 7-year-old boy had to be rescued with the help of a locksmith Saturday after crawling into a supermarket's stuffed animal game machine while his father talked on the telephone.”

TV addict to sue cable company
“Timothy Dumouchel claimed cable TV was also to blame for his wife's gaining more than 20 kilograms and his kids being "lazy channel surfers", according to the daily The Reporter.”

Crimewatch

Armed Robber Disguises Self As Chicken“Police said a white man wearing a mask and bright yellow chicken suit with orange chicken feet entered the Kroger at 5800 West Broad Street at about 11:30 p.m. Friday. The robber showed employees a gun and demanded cash from the store's safe.”

Faeces may reveal burglar“One of the burglars went to the bathroom during the break-in, but he forgot to flush. The police have now gotten the DNA from the faeces, according to the local paper Bohusläningen.”

Lifestyle

Man Seeks To Establish Christian Nudist Colony In Fla“Piles of trash, dirty lakes, racist property deeds and pedophiles living nearby have not deterred one man's dream of creating a Christian-themed nudist community.”

Singapore Says May Loosen Law on Oral Sex“In an earlier case detailed in the Straits Times a wife tried to punish her unfaithful husband by performing oral sex on him and then reporting him to the police.”

Sports

The Inaugural Cincinnati Cornhole ClassicNot as bad as it sounds, apparently.

Football fan banned for penis stunt“A Dutch football club has banned one of its fans for posing for a photograph with the local mayor with his penis hanging out.”

Bidness

Prostitutes Sue Pimps in Landmark CaseDem hoes be gettin’ uppity, yo.

Science

UK bushmeat trader sent to prisonTurns out “bushmeat” isn’t what I thought it was.

Monkeys make a meal of human babies
Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn, dirty ape!

Can semen cure the blues?
That’s right ladies! Science has finally discovered a cure-all for depression!


Other cool links:

Bush in 30 Seconds
No, this isn't a pick-up guide--it's ads created by finalists in a political ad contest.

Downhill BattleShow the RIAA you mean business!

Joey Skaggs
Buy a fish condo, or call in the Fat Squad!

Elvis’ Jumpsuits
At one time, Elvis was the King. Then the swingin' 70's made him Queen.
posted by El Bastardo at 2:22 PM

Happy late new year, you fucks!

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 6:02 PM