Fucking wankers!

Where have I been? Unmotivated, for the most part. Pay me or blow me & I promise to write more.

Let's see: This month I helped move an entire academic library collection & just spent 5 days snowed in cuz I couldn't get out of my goddamn driveway. I've got shitloads of vacation time, so no big deal. Oddly enough, I've spent more time outside than usual in the type of weather I hate the most, because my truck was stuck in the snow & I had to walk to the video store. Speaking of which, here's a few spot reviews:

Hero: One of the most visually stunning films I've seen, with good acting, writing, & action scenes, too. The director's use of color in the film is probably the main thing that makes this film so appealing to the eye, but the locations chosen for filming are also another highpoint. The director, Zhang Yimou (sp?) is best known for dramas, not action films (this was his first), so I was rather suprised to learn it was directed by the same guy that did Red Sorghum (though that film also makes good use of color).

The storyline reminded me somewhat of the technique used by Kurosawa in Rashamon. If you rent it, make sure you turn the subtitles off, as the voiceovers are fine, & the subtitles don't match the English dialogue anyway. I didn't watch it in Mandarin, though, so you'll probably want the subtitles on if you choose that option.

Best scenes:
Nameless & Falling Snow vs the archers
Duel between Falling Snow & Moon in the woods
Duel on the lake between Nameless & Broken Sword
The deaths of Falling Snow & Broken Sword


King Arthur: I'm glad I didn't see this in the theatre. In truth, this wasn't all that bad.

Things I enjoyed:
1. Cedric, the Saxon leader, was bad as fuck
2. Arthur punching the Roman noble in the cocksucker
3. The fate of the corrupt priests
4. Each of the "knights" had their own fighting style
5. Tristan was a stone cold killa
6. The Arthur-Lancelot-Guinevere love triangle was downplayed
7. It was more or less set in the right time period

Things that irked the shit outta me:
1. A work of fantasy masquerading as history
2. Cedric prevents his men from raping the British women due to fear of race-mixing
3. Stupid battle tactics used by the Saxons (specifically the "ice" scene)
4. The Picts are referred to as "woads"
5. The Saxon invasions never reached Hadrian's Wall
6. Some genius decided the Saxons should be armed with FUCKING CROSSBOWS!
7. Tried waaay too hard to be a 5th century Braveheart (I heard "freedom" so many times I thought I was gonna puke)
8. Who the fuck kept opening & closing the gates during the final battle?
9. This wasn't part of the movie, but in an interview on the DVD Kiera Knightly claims that the Celts were a matriarchial society (name one female druid or real-life chieftain, other than Boudicca, Kiera). She was probably told this by the same guy who thought Saxons used crossbows.
10. Merlin was underused

Those of you who think this was a great movie should watch Excalibur or The Mists of Avalon. Those of you who think this was a complete piece of crap should see First Knight or Camelot.


Renegade: No, this isn't that Lorenzo Lamas TV series from the 90's. This is a gritty western based on the Blueberry comics by Moebius. Having never read them, I can't comment on how accurately the film follows them, but other than that, it's a decent movie. Decent story, interesting characters, with great cinematography & good acting (Michael Madsen is the villian, which is always good). The hallucination scenes went on for a little too long, though.


Napoleon Dynamite: Didn't live up to the hype. Lots of boredom with a few funny moments. Rent this on dollar night if King Arthur isn't available.


Helen of Troy: This was a made-for-TV movie done by USA about a year ago. Don't rent this. The story is pretty lame, & doesn't follow Homer very accurately, but that's not the worst part. As proof that there is no god, I offer the fact that the people who cast this movie are still in business:

Helen (Sienna Guillory) isn't bad, but nowhere near hot enough to start a war over (there are hotter chicks than her locally).

Achilles looks like a pro wrestler (this guy shoulda played Ajax instead) & is a backstabbing choad.

Paris, though a pretty boy, has zero charisma & is a better fighter than a lover.

Hector, the second-best warrior of the Trojan War, is some skinny guy who would have trouble taking my bony-assed friend Lonnie. In fact, Paris, when he first comes to Troy, is able to defeat his older brother in the gladiatorial games.

Menelaus is a total weakling, with less charisma than the guy who played Paris & a bigger girly-man than the guy playing Hector.

The only character in the film that was properly cast was Agamemnon, & he's really the only good thing about this movie. There is no Patroclus, no Neoptomelus, no Nestor, no Diomedes, no Ajax, no Penthesilia, etc. And Odyessus, the most interesting hero in Greek myth, is way underused. Save your dollar for Napoleon Dynamite.


Jason & the Argonauts: I've seen both the 70's version & the made-for-TV version done by Hallmark a few years ago. Neither follow the myth closely.

The 70's version is definitely the best, but you have to be a fan of Ray Harryhausen to really get into it. This has possibly the best on-screen Hercules ever, and Talos & the skeletons rock! Plus, the DVD has an interview with Harryhausen!

The Hallmark version sucks (it's not really a re-make, just uses the same source material). Jason is played by a wimpy girly-man. Hercules (the best actor in the film, really) is sent by HERA (who hates him in the myths) to protect Jason, & the monsters they fight are pretty lame (and NO TALOS!). Don't even rent this on dollar night--spend that buck on a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon instead.


Vlad: Not your typical vampire flick, but still not that great. A bit confusing, with weak special effects, poor scripting, & lackluster acting. The only thing I really liked about this movie was that it showed more of the historical Vlad Tepes than any other movie about Dracula I've seen. Rent it on dollar night, or with your free rental credit.


Audition: Very fucked-up movie from Japan. Highly recommended.


S.I.C.K.: Interesting twist at the end, & decent plot, but the acting left a lot to be desired.


House of 1000 Corpses: Pretty decent flick. More fucked-up than scary, though. Instead of one villian, there's a whole family--overtones of the Bloody Benders or the Sawney Beane clan.


Ichi the Killer: Pretty good flick, in a B-film context, but not as violent & bloody as I was expecting. From Takashi Mike, who also directed Audition.


Serial killing 101: Not a great flick, but pretty decent. The best character is the gym coach, who was "raised in Alabama by a one-titted whore."


Bad Santa: Didn't really live up to the hype, though I did laugh my ass off when the midget got hit in the balls. I'm laughing just thinking about it.


House of the Dead: Not only did this flick suck monkey balls, but the chick with the really big guns kept them holstered for the entire film!!!!
posted by El Bastardo at 6:54 PM

A couple weeks ago, we had some bad storms & tornado warnings in the area, tonadoes even touched down in a few places.

Well, it always seems like any kind of aberant weather in Kentuckiana is hyped up by the local TV stations into a big news event--the guiltiest of which is ABC affiliate WHAS-11.

The weather guy will come on the air & talk for (literally) hours about this big green splotch on the storm radar. Anyone in real danger, of course, will be hiding in a place where they can't watch the TV or won't have any power, so it seems kinda assinine.

Back in the 90's, a big blizzard hit the area & the station had the audacity to package all the footage & market it as the WHAS-11 "Winter Storm" video. I never saw it but I suspect it's filled with mini-interviews of people talking about how many hours it took them to dig their car out of the driveway.

Sick of all the hype, I emailed the following letter to the Chief Meteorologist, who leads the WHAS "Storm Team" (like they're the Fantastic Four or some shit):

Dear Ken Schulz,

I'd like to thank the WHAS Storm Team for all their service to the Louisville metro area. I thought you did a really good job Thursday when you stood in front of the camera all night constantly ensuring us that the storm was indeed moving in an eastward direction. Unlike most people, I don't mind the fact that my favorite programs were interrupted by your intensive coverage. Knowing that you're doing your part to keep us safe from the terrors of inclement weather is far more important than gaining any political insight from Ted Koppel, or getting a few laughs from Jimmy Kimmel. I'm sure all of ABC's & WHAS's advertisers who payed for commercials during the time you were analyzing the storm feel the same way.

I'd also like to thank the Storm Team for their part in defeating Evil Tornado. Though I didn't see any of you out there in your uniforms fighting him, I did notice that the Storm Team was able to lure him into other nearby cities and towns, thereby saving our fair city of Louisville from the brunt of his assault. Knowing that the WHAS Storm Team is out there watching over us helps me sleep at night.

However, I fear that Evil Tornado and his allies, Severe Thunderstorm and Flash Flood, may soon return to menace Louisville. Please keep the Storm Team on red alert to ensure that these paragons of villiany never again strike our fair city. The only way to keep our city safe is to hunt down these threats to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and kill them mercilessly. While you're at it, I also recommend doing the same to Heat Wave, who will certainly attack Lousiville in the near future, and Winter Storm who will probably bide his time, before hatching his nefarious plan in December or January.

Please, please Ken Schulz, heed my words! The WHAS Storm Team is our only hope!

Sincerely,

Rob
posted by El Bastardo at 8:22 PM

Over two weeks without a goddamn post. Let's see what I can pull outta my ass for you pathetic shitweasels.

Okay. Here's a police harassment story from Crisco Boy:

THE DONUT SHOP MUST’VE BEEN CLOSED
by Crisco Boy
This has gotta be the mutha of all Police Harassment stories, especially since I wasn’t even in my car, nor was it even running! As a matter of fact, the piece of shit was just sitting in my own fucking parking lot - the parking lot of my $800/ month apartment! Now you would think that for $800/ month, I wouldn’t get fucked with, but that’s not the case. Anyway, here’s what happened: It’s Christmas eve/ day 1995 about 2:30 am, and instead of visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, I’m getting a call from the Jeffersonville (IN) police department. They give me a description of my car and ask if I’m the proud owner. Of course I’m about as friendly and helpful as anyone getting awakened at 2:30 am can possibly be. I tell them that the car is mine, and then quickly ask what the fuck is going on and why they’re calling so late. The wouldn’t tell me over the phone, and said I needed to come downstairs with my driver’s license ready. I then proceed to tell them to fuck off and hang up on them. Needless to say, five minutes later they’re knocking on my door. I answer the door and there’s five cops in my hallway, all of them pissed and yelling because I didn’t come downstairs on command. Well, they proceed to tell me that they searched my parked car and had found some pot and paraphernalia in the glove box. I ask what probable cause they had to search my car, and they go on to explain to me that because my trunk didn’t shut, they thought the car was stolen. Never mind the fact that the car had been wrecked four years previous to this incident and that the trunk was held shut by bungee cords. Any idiot could’ve seen that The car was also parked right in front of the address to which it was registered! But I guess that Barney Fife and crew weren’t smart enough to figure out that if one were to steal a car, it would be in the thief’s best interest to drive the motherfucker away from the owner’s house! Anyway, they continue to harass me and make threats of jail time and the penalties associated with possession of marijuana. By now it’s 3:00 am, and I feel I’ve been kept up long enough by these motherfuckers so I give them the “arrest my ass or let me go back to bed” routine. After all, I don’t pay taxes so these pigs can come up to my place at 3:00 am to give me a lecture on the dangers of marijuana usage. They say that a narcotics officer would be getting in touch with me in the “near future.” It’s been four years - still no word. Gee, I wonder what happened to my “drugs and paraphernalia” that they “confiscated”, ha ha. As for my car, they totally trashed it. They even hung my girlfriend’s panties on the rearview mirror. Now if that doesn’t spell professionalism, I don’t know what does. It’s good to know they made their “big drug bust” that night. Those murders and rapists can wait, huh?

That's it.
Now, go Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 9:09 PM

When I was young, my overly-imaginative friend Brad told me a lot of local "ghost" stories about New Albany. Years later, knowing Brad is a bullshitter extraordinaire, I decided to see if he made this shit up or his tales actually were old folk tales passed down through the generations (in other words, new lies or old lies?). Well, none of the tales he told my friends & I were recorded in the "folklore" folder in the Indiana room of the local library, so I'm certain they were new lies. Be that as it may, they're pretty damn good yarns, so I'm going to post what I remember of them here. Who knows? Maybe people will start believing this crap.

Devil's Hills: Brad used to tell me an old story about the hills between the Ohio river & Corydon Pike in Floyd County. He said they were called "Devil's Hills," because the land was bought some time ago in the 1800s by 13 Devil-worshipers, who wore long, black hooded robes. They marked the land off by carrying these huge candles & letting the wax mark the boundaries. He said on certain nights one could see lights in the hills which were their spirits.

The "Dribbler": Decades later, High Water Road in NA was blessed by a priest & the ghost of one of the 13 devil-worshippers wandered onto the road. This, of course, bode ill for him. His ghost took off running at high speed (along High Water, Budd Road, Corydon Pike, & other roads in the area), his hood falling off to reveal his skeletal features. His running is supposed to sound like a basketball being dribbled at high speed, hence the nickname.

The Lady of the Well: This one is about a woman named Mary who lived in Devil's Hills in the 1800s. She became possessed by demons & ended up killing her children. After realizing what she'd done, she threw herself into a deep well in the area, which thereafter became haunted by her spirit. Supposedly some hikers discovered the well in the 70s, & one was pulled in by a ghostly white hag in a blood-spattered nightgown & drowned, after which authorities covered the well up in concrete. It's said that the Lady of the Well haunts Floyd County still, floating on a cloud of white mist, scratching at windows & calling out the names of her dead children.

Burn in Hell
posted by El Bastardo at 3:13 PM

A few years back, I wrote this critique for art appreciation. Well, I finally got some hate mail about it, from one of the artists, no less. Read on, fucksticks:


I read you little essay on the mural in the library. While I do think that compostition could have be better conceived I think that overall your critique was spoken like someone who has little understanding of art history or the intent of the mural in the first place. You ramble through your essay giving a description but never illlict any use of the terms used by artists or art historians to describe the mural itself. In your conclusion you state you opinion which you have utterly failed to justify in the preceding lines. Your essay on the greek sculpture does the same. Finally, you say the work is that of an amatuer. NO SHIT! It was done by students at your school- most of whom were probably english majors like yourself. I saw also that you have done oral history work with your grandfather. That's great! Maybe you could apply that level of research and thought to your other works. Also Alexander's name was meant! as a referance to his library. That's called a METAPHOR. NO shit he never wrote a book. They didn't even have books then! You don't even have the correct line of reasoning to critique the work. Make your own mural and we'll see how horrific it is to look at!


To which I replied:

My, my--a little sensitive, are we?

First off, you claim I have little understanding of art history or the intent of the mural. Just because the mural is intended to depict the history of writing (not the history of art) does not make it a historical work, in the conventional sense. As for the intent said mural, the placard next to it states that the history of writing is the mural's primary theme. If that's wrong, please enlighten me, O Wise One.

Second, as to your claims that I fail to use any of the terms used by artists or art historians, please accept my heartfelt apologies. Your insight is incredible--I am neither an artist nor an art historian (though I am well-versed in history and can draw a mean stick figure). Should this prevent me from critiqing your work, or is your art not intended for "the masses"? After all, you critiqued my essay, and it's quite obvious that English composition, history, nor critical thinking are your strong suits. If you feel my critique of your work was unfair, well boo-hoo! Life isn't supposed to be fair. Of course, I could be wrong about the whole thing. Why don't you show me a review of the work by recognized art historian (other than someone affiliated with the project, of course)?

Third, on my "failure" to justify my conclusion. Did you not read the part about the lack of Summerian or Phoenician depictions? Or my criticism of choosing James Murray over Shakespeare? What about multiple uses of the same name on books, or the presence of Alan Turing?

Fourth, just because someone can write better than you doesn't necessarily mean they're an English major. My major just happens to be history, though I certainly can write circles around most English majors.

Fifth, Alexander the Great. You'll notice that I mentioned he was responsible for the library of Alexandria, as well as for spreading Hellenic (that means "Greek") culture throughout the "known" world. And claiming that your use of his name is a "metaphor" is a bit of a stretch--I believe "allusion" (that which "alludes" to something) is the word you're looking for.

Sixth, your squeal "They didn't even have books back then!" is the height of ignorance, and proves that you're completely unqualified to be working on anything depicting the history of writing. Why the hell did Alexander build a damn library if they didn't have books? Are you trying to tell me the writings of Aristotle, Euclid, Plato, Sun Tzu, Xenophon, etc, have all been faked?

Finally, I would make my own mural, but I doubt anyone would let me paint stick figures on the walls of IUS. Though I'm not an artist, I'd do a little research about my subject matter first, in order to prevent smartassed non-artist types from calling me out on my shoddy work.

I'm looking forward to attending your next exhibit.



Fuck, I'm too damn polite to these rump-fuckers.

Burn in Hell

posted by El Bastardo at 8:30 PM

About seven years ago, my buddy David Wright was in prison on a first-time possession of LSD charge. He ended up getting an extremely harsh sentence (something like 15-888 years) due to Ohio's Draconian mandatory minimum laws. The law ended up getting repealed & he got out a few years ago. Anyway, while he was in, I tried sending him an issue of Bastard, but the prison officials denied it to him for some rather petty reasons. So I decided to re-send the issue & write the lieutenant in charge of mail or whatever the fuck it was (David gave me the guy's name) & school his ass on a few things. David was still denied that particular issue, but he wrote back & said the lieutenant read the letter aloud to him--David said the guy was pretty damn livid, wich amused us both. A few months later, the next issue of Bastard came out, & David was allowed to keep it--he suspected that it was mostly because I'd changed to a more professional-looking format (early issues were photocopied--this one was on newsprint). Anyway, I thought I'd share the letter I sent to Lieutenant Dunn:


PO Box 6822, New Albany, IN 47151-6822

March 11, 1997

Lt. Dunn
Lebanon Correctional Institution
Post Office Box 56
Lebanon, OH 45036

Dear Lt. Dunn:

I am writing in regards to my publication, Bastard #1. I am requesting information as to why David Wright, 322-715, was denied access to said publication. I would like copies of any and all forms pertaining to the withholding and/ or delay of my publication, such as a 'Notice and Report of Action taken on Correspondence' form or the like.

In a letter that I received from Mr. Wright on Friday, March 7, 1997, he stated two reasons given by Lebanon Correctional Institution officials as to why he was not allowed to receive the publication. The first was the allegation that I am not a publisher. According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of 'publish' is "To issue and prepare (printed material) for public distribution or sale.", and that of 'publisher' being "One who publishes." Therefore, since Bastard is widely distributed in all fifty states of the US, it would seem that this first argument is rendered invalid.

The second reason given to Mr. Wright was that I did not have a Library of Congress Card Catalog number for Bastard #1, so the officials in question did not consider me a publisher. This assumption may stem from a misunderstanding of US copyright law by said officials. It is true that when registering a copyright, the publisher of the material must send two copies of the published work to the Library of Congress. However, this process is not necessary to hold a copyright in the US, but is primarily done in order to strengthen the defense of one's copyright in a court of law, in case of infringement. Copyright for literary works in the United States for sale or distribution is secured merely by publication with a notice of copyright on the title page or the page immediately following. Copyright notice consists of the word "copyright" or the symbol -[copyright symbol], the year of publication, and the name of the copyright owner or proprietor, all of which can be found on the inside front page of Bastard #1.

I hope this letter has helped to clear up any misconceptions regarding my publication. I have enclosed another copy for Mr. Wright. I eagerly await your response.

Sincerely,

Rob Vest
Publisher
posted by El Bastardo at 1:59 PM

My paternal grandma once told me a story about her father. I only knew him from a picture my great-grandmother used to have--it was one of those sepia-toned pics where he was wearing a hat like you'd see the working class people of the Depression-era South wear--I always thought he looked pretty cool in that pic.

Anyway, my grandmother was the oldest of 5, & her dad died in Tennessee when she was about 9, IIRC (this was probably in the early 40s). He'd worked in some kind of factory or something & ended up getting a sliver of metal in his eye. Somehow, it got infected & this led to cancer. After he died, she said that her mother, who was likely in shock & very grief-stricken to lose someone at such a young age, was talked into signing these papers. The papers allowed Great Grandpa Strickland's head to be removed & sent somewhere so the cancer could be studied or some shit. I can't verify how much truth there is to that, but I do think it's pretty bizarre to think that my great-grandfather was buried without his head. I wonder where it is now?
posted by El Bastardo at 9:28 PM